“hinintay lang na maPR kami bago kami nilayasan” – di pala forever sa NZ
Dear Kuya: hinintay nya lang talagang magPR kami bago sya umalis at nag alsabalutan. Ang katwiran nya sa sulat nya, nagampanan na nya ang katungkulan nya bilang asawa at ama, at di naman sya titigil sa sustento sa aming mag-ina. Pero sa tingin ko, malamang ay may iba nang nagpapatibok ng puso nya, at halos lahat na ata ng mga kaibigan namin ay nauna pang nalaman sitwasyon namin, kahit wala akong naikwento. Tutoo palang the wife is always the last to know.
DI SIGURO OFW ang tinutukoy ni Leo Tolstoy nung sinabi nyang All families are happy in the same way, but each sad family is sad in its own way, pero yun ang unang naisip ko, di nagkakalayo mga happy Pinoy family rito sa New Zealand, pero iba-iba ang scenario ng mga pagbuwag ng mga pamilya rito.
Weekends together, going home tired but happy because you’ll all be having family salu-salo, Zooming other members of the extended family together and showing off how big baby is, the latest achievements of Kuya or Ate, or even how much weight Mommy / Daddy has lost. funny and seemingly insignificant memories at the time, but so precious when you realize there will be no more memories together.
It’s becoming less rare these days, when couples who go through the challenges of hardship, illness or migration traditionally become closer and more single-minded. Indeed as a motivational speaker once said, tough times never last, but tough people do. Ngayon kasi, kapag may konting kahirapan lang o gipitan, ang tendency ay sumuko at eventually maghiwalay na. Andyan na kasi ang kanya-kanyang trabaho at support group ng either husband or wife. Wala nang pag-usapan natin anu anong options ang nasa harap natin at sabay nating lusubin.
Ito ang mga scenario na naenkwentro ko, hinaharap di lang ng mga kabayang couple pero madalas ay naging sitwasyon mg mga migrant family, na di inaasaahang bukod sa migrant journey ay pati na ring challenge sa marriage ang tatahakin sa New Zealand.
Scenario A. Matagal na palang may side chick si Mr, di mabita-bitawan kahit sincere naman na ayaw na nya, lalo na’t mangingibang bayan na ang buong mag-anak.
Galing pang Middle East yung relationship nila, may karapatan na ring umasa si Side Chick, may time, energy and emotion na rin syang pinuhunan para kay Kabayang Obrero.
Dahil skilled naman si Side Chick, naconvince nyang tulungan ni Mister na makarating at eventually magka Work Visa si Side Chick. At imbes na umayos na ang relsasyon ng pamilya nang magNZ ang mag-anak ay lumalim lang lalo ang pangangaliwa ni Mister.
Scenario B. Habang naghihintay si Mister na dumating si Mrs kasama ang mga anak, may nakilalang kabayan dito sa New Zealand. Di ito nakakagulat dahil kahit malaki ang Filipino community sa NZ ay halos magkakakilala lahat sa luob ng isang siyudad o bayan, na pinagbubuklod pa lalo ng church, social, sports at related activities.
Madali at madalas magkita ang mga kabayang wala namang ibang ginagawa sa maliit na bayang hitik sa dairy farm at tagaalaga ng tupa at baka. Unti-unting nahulog ang luob ni Mister sa dalagang anak din ng kabayan. Pagdating ng kanyang pamilya ay nanlamig na si Kabayan sa ina ng kanyang mga anak at asawa ng dalawang dekada. Natural at napansin agad ni Misis na imbes na salubungin ng mainit na halik ni Mister ay iwas agad sa kama at ni ayaw na maiwan silang dalawa na wala ang mga bata.
[ I have heard of a situation where cruelly, the husband allowed the children to stay with him while keeping the newly arrived wife out. The wife had to ask help from kind kabayan as of course, she had become homeless. ]
Scenario C. Matagal nang parang magkapatid na lang ang turing ng magasawa sa isa’t isa, lalu na nung malaki na ang bunso at tumuntong na sa high school. Nabulagbulagan si Mr nung may nagpakita ng motibo kay Mrs at nanligaw, kabayan din. Dahil sa malaking siyudad nagwowork si Mr at naiwan sa probinsya para magtrabaho at mag-aral ang mag-ina, halos di na rin umuwi si Mr. Wala na syang pakialam sa physical needs ng kanyang maybahay, dahil di naman n priority ang physical na pangangailangan.
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The irony is, despite the different situations, they all end up the same way. Out of a sense of duty, the father waits for the residency application to be approved, after which he informs the spouse that he wants out of the relationship. Cruelly sometimes he doesn’t even wait for a response or exit strategy for everyone’s benefit, he just ups and leaves.
This is no moral blog or advice column, just my way of telling it like it is and reflecting a social reality that affects all but seems to be particularly acute among migrant families that have gambled so much, including family well-being and the spouses’ relationship, on an adventure that will take them to places unknown.
Just an unavoidable nugget of unsolicited advice, based on someone who’s been through the wars: Whether you’re in Laoag, Dagupan, Lipa, Calapan, Dumaguete, Osamiz or Tabuk, set your priorities. Look at the long term. No matter how sexy the girl, how much she’s into you, and how amazing this opportunity is, think of what’s important to you, and take the long view.
Don’t let a few moments of pleasure turn your life upside down. Infidelity opens a Pandora’s box (or toothpaste tube) of problems, once you open (or squeeze) it, it can’t be unopened. Or unsqueezed.
Di rin pwedeng titikim ka lang or susubok ka lang maglaro ng apoy out of curiosity, because we all want the mystery and allure of the new, the untried and the undiscovered. Before you know it, you’ll find more and more ways of justifying and rationalizing your behavior or relationship, and soon you’ll be beyond the point of no return.
I forgot where I heard this, but migration is a double-edged sword for the couple. Because we enter a world with two different sets of eyes, ears and feelings, migration either makes us stronger together, or will ultimately make us strangers to each other.
The job is new, the surroundings different, and the future is bright. but let’s remember what we came to New Zealand for: a better life for the family, and a better life together.
