(edited for brevity and clarity. The pic above is AI-generated. Thanks for reading!)
Dear Kabayan Noel ,
I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to you because I am in a sticky situation and I need your advice.
I am a migrant worker from the Philippines, and I have been working in different countries for many years.
During my time abroad, I have had many relationships with women, most of them intimate. I know that what I have done is wrong, and I feel guilty about it.
I have a loving wife and family back home, and I know that they would be devastated if they knew about my infidelity.
***** ***** *****
My first stint abroad, like many kabayan, was in the Middle East. I grabbed the first placement available, even though it didn’t pay that well and the placement fees were deducted from my salary. Halos wala na ring natira.
Nakilala ko si Maritess* sa isang bible study na organized nang patago, dahil as you know, bawal ito sa kaharian ng mga Muslim. Gusto ko lang makahanap ng kabayan, babae man o lalaki. Di ko akalaing mas malungkot pa sa akin ang mga kababaihan. di ko sinasabing wala akong mali Noel, pero kung motibo ang batayan, mas nagbigay ng senyales si M. Pagkatapos nun ay nagkita kami nang ilan pang beses, pero laging patago at laging may bahid ng hiya sa sarili, dahil alam namin na pareho kaming may asawa.
Dahil ito ang una kong relasyon sa labas ng marriage, ito ang nagbigay sa akin ng pinakamatinding guilt o hiya. Kahit nasabi ko sa sarili kong di na ako madadapa muli ay sumuko ako agad sa tukso.
***** ***** *****
As would prove to be a pattern, guilt and self-respect would always give way to lust and the path of least resistance. In my second stint, also in the Middle East, I accidentally met Sarah*, a high school friend of my wife’s, and realized we had long-suppressed crushes on each other from long ago. Again, she made the first move and who was I not to accommodate ?
Although subtle at first, her signals were unmistakable. She kept staying behind after the weekend sing-alongs and on the pretext of it being unsafe for an unescorted, much more unmarried (supposedly) woman in a Muslim country, finally asked to stay the night. I had no qualms sharing the room but not the bed, an inconvenience she shooed away as soon as the lights were out, literally jumping on my banig without so much as a pasintabi po. Akala ko nakikipagharutan (being frisky) lang sya out of boredom, but I guess we were both bored. Things escalated quickly, and the fact that S was connected to my wife didn’t even brush my conscience. It was to be my undoing later.
***** ***** *****
By the way kabayan, I’m not good-looking by any standard, and nobody would give me a second look. I do however have a sense of humor and I’m willing to listen and give anybody more than the usual two minutes if it means humoring them or giving them a chance to share their problems and grievances kahit sandali. Maybe that’s why I attract more than my share.
My final extra-marital encounter was to be in my country of destination, here in the land of all our migrant dreams. I’m guessing even you are a beneficiary of the promises of New Zealand. Although I’m in a major city now, I started in smaller town where I met Aubrey,* a friend of a friend in again of all things a church group, which are the easiest events to join because there is no pressure to enter or leave, and usually the motives for joining are sincere and harmless.
Because the other person involved was also waiting for her family to rejoin her here, she was vulnerable, and I honestly thought she had no intention of starting a relationship with me. But in the rural areas if you’re not comfortable in front of a PC or laptop, then actual human interaction is really the next best thing. As you know Filipinos tend to keep company with their own kind, and this actually made possible the situation of getting to know each other better.
We were like teenagers, stealing into each other’s rooms without other people knowing, when in fact, looking back, probably the whole community knew. We were both good actors, acting formally, almost aloofly in front of others as soon as we had established a relationship that we knew would be frowned upon by the small community in that town. I left after a year, knowing that it was the practical solution not just for me but especially for Aubrey, much younger than me who has her entire life ahead of her.
***** ***** *****
The problem is that my past is starting to catch up with me. I have left many relationships hanging (not just the ones I spoke about here), and I fear that one of these women will come forward and expose me. I am worried about the consequences of my actions, not just for myself but also for my family.
Multiple stabs of guilt have changed Sarah’s views about me, and she has considered coming clean to my wife (her friend) about what happened between us in the Middle East. Only my pleas for her to rethink or at least delay her decision to “confess” has stopped my marriage from totally shattering.
I also made the mistake of converting a physical relationship with Maritess into an online one. Little did I realize that she kept “receipts” or screenshots of our sometimes adults-only conversations and now threatens to send them to my family, unless I help her come to New Zealand. Needless to say, I’m only a lowly worker and have little idea how to do so.
Indeed, I’m in a mess that eats me up daily and stresses me out of my wits. I can only blame myself for everything.
I am conflicted about what to do. On the one hand, I want to come clean and confess everything to my wife. I know that this would hurt her deeply, but I feel that I owe it to her to be honest. On the other hand, I am afraid of the consequences of my actions. I fear that my wife will leave me, and that my family will be torn apart.
I am writing to you because I need your advice. What should I do? Should I come clean and confess everything, or should I keep my past a secret and hope that it never catches up with me? I value your opinion, and I hope that you can help me make the right decision.
Sincerely,
Ray-Ann
